He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
did i walk over a car last night?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
