i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
