last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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