I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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