If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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