I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
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I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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