I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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