so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
