Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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