She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
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My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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