Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Say something about gay babies.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
