last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Buhtt sex?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
