Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
