He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
