Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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