PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
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I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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