First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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