If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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