Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
