I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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