I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i think my mom watched the whole time
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
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I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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