260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
