Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
