We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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