You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My bed smells like the plague
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
