He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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