im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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