I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
