girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Vodka?
Forever.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
