Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
