Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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