i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
