so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
