im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
