i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
