dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
