apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
