i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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