maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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