my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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