at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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