My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
