I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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