a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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