I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
