I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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