Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
