I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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