clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is Oprah even human
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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