And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
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Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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