I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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