i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
