he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
