sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
