If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
