I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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